Cover Story
March 28, 2008
Big Theological Elephant In The Room
Reform rabbis and intermarriage: Policy change ahead?
Sue Fishkoff
Special to the Jewish Times
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About 10 years ago, Rabbi Jerome Davidson of Temple Beth El in Great Neck, N.Y., changed his mind about officiating at interfaith weddings.
After he had officiated at the marriage of two lesbians in 1995, some congregants asked Rabbi Davidson why, if he would bend that far, would he not officiate at their children’s weddings to non-Jews?
The criticism hit home.
“I realized that by not being present at certain marriages, I was not doing what I’d been doing for single-sex couples: Be there at the creation of a Jewish home,” Rabbi Davidson said.
Now he is trying to get his Reform movement to support him.
Last year, Rabbi Davidson brought a resolution to the annual convention of the Central Conference of American Rabbis, the movement’s rabbinical arm. It would have replaced the group’s current opposition to rabbinic officiation, in place since 1973, with a policy supporting those rabbis who choose to perform intermarriages in certain clearly defined circumstances.
The resolution never made it to the floor. Some rabbis, including Rabbi Davidson, believed it was just too divisive an issue.
Instead, the rabbinic group created a task force on intermarriage, which will report on its work at this year’s convention March 30-April 2 in Cincinnati.
A focus on the hot-button issue comes as new research suggests a connection between rabbinic officiation and the level of Jewish commitment among intermarried families.
Those involved say the task force will spend several more years interviewing rabbis and other experts, collecting stories and commissioning research, with the goal of bringing a proposal to the group’s 2010 convention.
“I really want my colleagues to consider my position,” said Rabbi Davidson, who will only officiate when the non-Jewish spouse is not an adherent of another faith and if the couple commit to building a Jewish home.
Rabbi Davidson says the six or seven couples at whose weddings he officiated are all raising Jewish children.
“If we don’t respond, American Jewish life will go on without us and we will be left behind,” said Rabbi Davidson, a member of the task force.
Orthodox and Conservative rabbis are barred by their movements from performing intermarriages. The Reconstructionist movement, like the Reform, is formally opposed to the practice, but both leave the decision to the individual rabbi.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that few Reconstructionist rabbis perform intermarriages.
Among Reform rabbis, however, the tide has been shifting steadily for years, to the point where those who do not officiate at intermarriages feel great pressure to do so — mostly from their own congregations.
Rabbi Howard Jaffe of Temple Isaiah in Lexington, Mass., who hasn’t performed intermarriages in his 25 years as a rabbi, says he now feels part of a “beleaguered minority.”
Rabbi Jaffe explains his stance in legalistic terms. In Christianity, the priest or minister confers marital status on a couple. In Jewish tradition, the couple marries each other before two witnesses.
On one hand, a rabbi is not needed. On the other hand, such a marriage can only occur between two Jews.
“At the moment when I as a rabbi stand with a couple where one is not Jewish, I would be functioning as a minister, not a rabbi,” said Rabbi Jaffe. “I would be bestowing a status that is not mine in Jewish law to bestow.”
Most Reform rabbis who do not officiate explain their positions more emotionally.
“I can’t do it because of the commitments I’ve made to Jewish life,” said Rabbi Steven Foster of Congregation Emanuel in Denver. “I as an individual am not able to do that which is contrary to Jewish tradition.”
Both Rabbis Foster and Jaffe say they never turn away such couples. They work with them before and after the wedding, encouraging them to join a congregation, learn about Judaism and build a Jewish home.
“I tell them it’s about me, not them,” said Rabbi Foster. “I don’t cast judgment on the intermarriage.”
He insists that most couples accept his explanation and aren’t turned off from Judaism.
Rabbi Jaffe isn’t so sure. While he tells such couples that he is happy to work with them before and after the wedding, just one has taken him up on the offer. The others often look to another rabbi.
Little concrete research has been done on the connection between rabbinic officiation at intermarriages and the future Jewish choices of such couples.
One 2001 study by the Cohen Center for Modern Jewish Studies at Brandeis University found that a rabbi’s ongoing attitude toward and support of interfaith couples does more to engage them in Jewish life than whether he or she officiated at their weddings.
Fern Chertok, senior research associate at the center and lead author of that study, says most of the rabbis interviewed did not officiate at intermarriages but took the time to explain their position and welcome the couple actively into the congregation. That made the difference, she said.
Two studies released this month suggest an even closer connection.
One, a study of 149 intermarried couples in four cities conducted by the National Center for Jewish Policy Studies at Hebrew College, found a “statistically sound correlation” between such officiation and eight kinds of Jewish behaviors.
The couples who were married by rabbis or cantors are more likely to be raising their children as Jews (87 percent) than those married without rabbis or by a rabbi co-officiating with non-Jewish clergy (63 percent). They also are less likely to belong to a church (2 percent versus 26 percent) and less likely to celebrate Christmas or Easter.
A second new study, by the Combined Jewish Philanthropies of Greater Boston, showed that 54 percent of intermarried couples who later raise their children as Jews were married by Jewish clergy. In contrast, 80 percent of intermarried couples who decide not to raise Jewish children had no rabbis officiating at their weddings.
Researchers on both studies emphasize they cannot prove causality, that these couples made Jewish choices because a rabbi married them. But the Hebrew College study showed that the couples themselves believe that a rabbi’s willingness or refusal to officiate at their weddings had an effect on their later Jewish choices. One-third of the Jewish spouses, for example, said that a rabbi’s refusal to marry them distanced the couple from Jewish institutional life.
That’s what many Reform rabbis have been finding for years.
“The two reports certainly indicate a positive attitude toward rabbis’ officiating at their marriage ceremonies,” said Rabbi Peter Knobel, the president of the Central Conference of American Rabbis. “That is not surprising. We’ve had that kind of anecdotal information for a long time.”
It’s a big reason more and more are agreeing to officiate at intermarriages, even if they feel torn by the decision.
Rabbi Philip Rice of Temple Micah in Nashville does officiate at intermarriages, but says it’s a position he will continue to revisit. He already has retreated from co-officiating with non-Jewish clergy after a minister reneged on a promise not to invoke Jesus during the ceremony.
Still, Rabbi Rice says refusing to officiate sends the wrong message.
“It’s difficult for a rabbi not to officiate and then ask the couple to join their synagogue,” he said.
Earlier this month, www.Interfaith Family.com, a Boston-based group that helps interfaith families make Jewish choices, launched a clergy-only discussion and resource-sharing Web site for rabbis and cantors, whether they perform intermarriages or not.
Ed Case, the group’s president, says there are few if any other such resources.
“The rabbis are left to themselves,” said Mr. Case.
Last year, Mr. Case hired Rabbi Lev Baesh as the site’s online rabbinic adviser to help interfaith couples find Jewish clergy to marry them. Rabbi Baesh has nearly 190 rabbis and cantors on his list. Most are Reform, although two have Orthodox ordination.
Rabbi Baesh is now fielding more than 100 requests a month from interfaith couples who want a Jewish wedding.
“Most are not religious, and many are a little scared,” he said.
That was true for Lisa Ramos and Jonathan Weiner of Los Angeles. Rabbi Baesh will officiate at their ceremony in August in Portland, Maine.
“It was important to us to include spirituality in our wedding,” said Ms. Ramos, who describes herself as more spiritual than religious. “But we’d been warned a rabbi might not be willing to marry us.”
After long discussions with Rabbi Baesh, the couple is having “a much more Jewish wedding than we’d expected,” Ms. Ramos said. And she says Rabbi Baesh’s willingness has made Judaism more attractive to her.
“He encouraged us to join a synagogue, and that’s something we will want to do,” she said. “I think it’s important for me, too. I’d like to be involved in my children’s lives all around, including their religious upbringing.”
At this month’s CCAR convention, no decision on rabbinic officiation is expected. The task force on intermarriage has met a handful of times in the past year, according to its chair, Rabbi Charles Kroloff of Temple Emanu-El in Westfield, N.J.
Rabbi Kroloff cautions it is “premature” to predict whether the rabbinic organization will ultimately revise its position. Most Reform rabbis agree that no change is imminent.
“I believe the zeitgeist is such that we as an organization are not going to make that kind of a step at this point,” Rabbi Jaffe said. “But I would not be surprised if by the time I retire in another 13 years or so, there were a resolution to change the status quo.”
Conversations with ...
Four local Reform rabbis give their views on performing intermarriage ceremonies.
Barbara Pash
Associate Editor
Rabbi Batsheva Meiri
Temple Emanuel
Do you officiate at intermarriage ceremonies?
The kinds of weddings I do are ones where only one person is Jewish but the other one has made commitments to a Jewish future for their family. They are committed to taking the Introduction to Judaism class, raising their children as Jewish and having no attachments to another religion or to having it in their home.
Once they make those commitments, I don’t call it interfaith. They have chosen to be part of the Jewish community and I am happy to stand under the chuppah with them.
Do you see a trend to change the official Reform rabbinate stand against officiating?
I definitely feel there is a sea change in the Jewish community in general. Intermarriage no longer means [the Jewish partner] is lost to the Jewish people. With the right kinds of encouragement and a welcoming presence in their lives, they are more likely to raise Jewish children.
The way I see it most profoundly is when I was first a rabbi, 15 years ago, the confirmation class children would say, ‘It doesn’t matter who I marry, I’m going to marry a person I love.’ Or they’d say, ‘I’m only going to marry a Jew.’ Now they say, ‘It doesn’t matter who I marry because my children will be Jewish.’ They are articulating a different reality and the rabbinate needs to catch up with that. Even if a Reform rabbi doesn’t officiate at interfaith ceremonies, there is no Reform rabbi who says an intermarried couple isn’t welcome in their congregation.
I don’t know where my colleagues are [on this issue]. There are plenty of reform rabbis who already officiate. Having just gone through the placement process [Rabbi Meiri will be assuming a new congregation this summer in Asheville, N.C.], it certainly is of interest to congregations to know what my position on intermarriage was.
But I didn’t feel it was a litmus test — whether or not they would hire me. They just wanted to know where I stood. And that’s a sea change also because that question wasn’t permitted to be asked when I got out of [rabbinic] college.
The Reform rabbinate isn’t being wagged by the dog of the Reform community. It is happening because rabbis recognize an important trend. Studies are saying that interfaith families result in more Jewish children and that makes us want to respond.
This is a subject that is being discussed in the Reform rabbinate. What’s not going to change is that the Reform movement will tell a rabbi what to do. That’s a hallmark of Reform — each rabbi is left to his/her own conscience.
Studying the issue helps rabbis make those careful and deliberate decisions. But there won’t be one big proclamation that says Reform rabbis have to perform intermarriages. That won’t happen.
Rabbi Bradd Boxman
Har Sinai Congregation
Do you officiate at intermarriage ceremonies?
The [JTA Wire Service] article seems to say that where a rabbi officiates, it encourages Judaism. One study said that 71 percent of interfaith families raise their children Jewishly, and that there is very little difference between rabbis who officiate at interfaith and at infaith marriages.
The weight of the article was, where the Jewish community is welcoming to the non-Jewish partner, there’s a much greater chance of having a Jewishly connected family. It proves to me what I have known — if you are going to push people away, you possibly lose them to Judaism.
Where the Jewish party cares about their own identity is where you’ll have a Jewish family. That tells us, we have to make Jews feel better about being Jewish.
I changed my position on intermarriage. I have six requirements now [such as belonging to a Jewish synagogue, keeping a Jewish home and raising the children as Jews]. Those are huge commitments and if they’re willing to do them, I’d be foolish not to marry them. But I’ve evolved on that issue.
Do you see a trend to change the official Reform rabbinate stand against officiating?
I don’t get the feeling that intermarriage is being reconsidered. It has come up in various years; there are always periodic reviews of the [CCAR] stance, which is officially that Reform rabbis do not officiate.
I don’t think the movement at this time will change the official stance. There are other, more pressing issues.
Rabbi Steven Fink
Temple Oheb Shalom
Do you officiate at intermarriage ceremonies?
My position has been and will be that I do not officiate at interfaith ceremonies because rabbis do not have the authority and non-Jews cannot say Harai at mekodeshet li b’taba’at zo kedat moshe v’yisrael, ‘With this ring you are consecrated unto me as my wife according to the law of Moses and the tradition of Israel.’
It would be inauthentic and dishonest to not be part of the covenant and to say that, and without that line it cannot be a Jewish wedding.
Do you see a trend to change the official Reform rabbinate stand against officiating?
I hear more discussion on this issue now than in the past. But I don’t see any movement to change the official stance and ultimately, it is not a sociological issue.
We should welcome the interfaith families in our midst and we want them to raise their children as Jews and have them feel this is their religious home. Ultimately, we’d like them all to become Jewish.
Rabbi Rex D. Perlmeter
Baltimore Hebrew Congregation
Do you officiate at intermarriage ceremonies?
When I came into the rabbinate, outreach [to the intermarried] was already under way and I thought it was the right approach.
Intermarriage is a symptom of what we confront in America, and also an opportunity. It is not a disease.
Originally, I did not perform intermarriages because of the way I defined a Jewish marriage. Over the years, I redefined the sanctification of creating a Jewish home. I’ve come to see, understand and experience how fully a committed non-Jewish partner can help to create a Jewish home and therefore, I changed my approach to officiating at intermarriage under certain circumstances.
Do you see a trend to change the official Reform rabbinate stand against officiating?
I am not familiar with the movement to change the official policy so I have no comment on that.
Just The Facts
Three recent reports examine intermarried family patterns.
“It’s Not Just Who Stands Under the Chuppah,” from The Steinhardt Social Research Institute and Cohen Center for Modern Jewish Studies at Brandeis.
• There is a correlation between rabbinic officiation at an intermarriage and how “Jewish” the family becomes.
• Intermarriage itself is not as critical in determining a family’s Jewish involvement as the Jewish partner’s background and education.
• Jewish behaviors and practices of intermarried families who are raising their children as Jews are almost identical to those of in-married Reform Jews.
From Combined Jewish Philanthropies of Greater Boston, investigation of the 2006 Greater Boston Community Study of Intermarried Families and Their Children.
• Confirmed Boston figure that 60 percent of children in the city’s intermarried homes are being raised as Jews.
• A couple’s initial decision to raise their children as Jews is the critical factor in determining an intermarried family’s level of Jewish involvement.
• Nearly 70 percent of the children in both intermarried and in-married Reform Jewish families become bar or bat mitzvah. Similar percentages are enrolled in religious school and are members of congregations.
• 37 percent of in-married Reform families and 61 percent of Conservative families enroll their children of high school age in Jewish education versus 13 percent among intermarried families who are raising their children Jewishly.
“Intermarriage and Jewish Journeys in the United States,” from the National Center for Jewish Policy Studies, an affiliate of Hebrew College in suburban Boston.
• 87 percent of intermarried couples who were married by Jewish clergy later raised their children as “Jewish only” versus 63 percent of the couples married by co-officiants, non-Jewish clergy or in secular ceremonies.
• 30 percent of the Jewish spouses and 36 percent of the non-Jewish spouses claimed the refusal of rabbi to officiate distanced them from Judaism.
• 46 percent of the Jewish spouses who were married by a rabbi said rabbinic participation “had some influence” on their lives.
Source: JTA Wire Service