Local News
March 21, 2008
Purim Spoof: The Real News
Jimmy Carter
Special To The Jewish Times
Seeking to further persuade American Jews that he does not pray to an Osama bin Laden glow-in-the-dark poster, leading Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama is now a Jew-by-Choice.
The ceremony was held at the popular Las Vegas drive-in synagogue once owned by Sammy Davis Jewnior, Beit Sammy Baby. The new Jew dove into the ornate mikvah/miniature golf course fountain, emerging to declare himself Baruch ben-Kenyastein.
During a reception at “The Neshamah Shack,” he joked with the waiter, an illegal immigrant who was on the spot registered to vote, “Can you break a $100? I promise lots of change.”
Beth Tfiloh Sues Self
Howie Brownish
Beth Tfiloh Synagogue announced this week plans to sue itself for $25 million — ironically the amount the shul is seeking from a former congregant.
“If we win both, the shul gets $50 million, none of which goes to the rabbi’s eventual retirement bash in the Bahamas,” said lead litigant Sue Mee-Yah.
H. Rap Brown, former justice minister of the Black Panther Party, could not be reached for comment; he was traveling through Brooklyn with Chabad Lubavitch.
Baptists Teach Jews
Rev. Jeremiah Wright
Due to its overwhelming success in conducting Sunday services at Baltimore Hebrew Congregation, African-American churchgoers from First Mt. Olive Free Will Baptist Church will travel to other area synagogues to teach a class called “Get up off of your a—es, smile at one another and thank the Lord!”
The concept is unknown in many area synagogues, but of course not yours. Area Jewish leaders were reassured that responsive reading, 20-minute announcements and the 42-minute sermon will not be threatened.
The Sons Will Rise
Chazak v’Yashar
The Baltimore-based kashrut supervising organization Star-K announced today that Viagra is kosher for Passover.
“The bread cannot rise, but no one said anything about, well, you know,” said Rabbi Moshe Whiney-Heiney.
BHU Walks Away
Fred Up
On the heels of the ongoing controversy over where it will exist, if it will exist and how it will exist, the Baltimore Hebrew University building has walked away.
Sometime early last Thursday morning, the school was overheard by a security guard on the premises to groan, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m heading to New Orleans where they appreciate buildings that put up with lots of junk floating around.”
Now that there’s a gaping hole on the former site, a team of archaeologists from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem has been called in to find all the skeletons buried in the pit.
Associated: New ‘Visioning’ Plan
Ani Roeh
The Associated: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore Areas (Excluding Dundalk) That Funds Good Jewish And Not Jewish Things If Our Board Approves It, has unveiled the next phase of its “visioning” program.
Visioning is the far-sighted plan for near-sighted Jews to re-invent the community, which could use an overhaul after 5,768 years. This Festival of Unleavened Bread, the Associated will give away free matzoh boxes with Captain X-Ray Super Hero Eyeglasses, which will help people focus on the future.
“This will create a real spectacle and allow us to collectively deduce what we need as a combined community that is redundantly united together in its joint resources and enhancement opportunities,” Marquis T. Mark, the Associated’s intergalactic leader, said in a statement issued from his forward command bunker in Owings Mills.
JCC: Only Shabbat
Benedict XVI
The Owings Mills Jewish Community Center will now be open only on Shabbat.
“Jews are busy all week long and on Shabbat they’re too busy for shul,” said JCC executive director David Duke. “But they will work out. Of course, we won’t be threatening them with anything Jewish.”
In a related development, the Park Heights JCC will have separate men’s and women’s hours for use of various floors, the parking lot and water fountains. In addition, the roof of the Park Heights building will be rented by the First Ganzah Holy Church for Sunday morning services. In a nod to interfaith outreach, Jewish dietary laws will be observed for all wafers and wine.
Food For Thought
Sara Lee
Tests performed by researchers at Shlomie’s University in Nebraska have found that combinations of cholent (Sabbath stew), kreplach and chopped liver with fried onions combine over time to create what are known as “performance under-enhancers.”
“This could explain why so few Jewish athletes make it to the top,” said Dr. Proctor, as mustard from his corned beef sandwich slid down his left shirt pocket. “Now we know why for years those athletes have failed urine tests — despite their families having hired special tutors for them.”
New Sleep Drug
H.R. Shluffenstuff
Called Ambien-RS (rabbi’s sermon), a new pill guarantees sleep at key times during religious services.
The pill has different layers triggered by the body’s chemistry. One layer gets you to sleep five minutes into a sermon; 15 minutes later another layer wakes you wondering how you got to shul in the first place; yet another forces you to smile at fellow congregants whom you do not like.
Olmert, Abbas Pen Rap Song
Fity Shekels
Hoping to calm simmering Mideast tensions, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas just released a new rap song titled “Juda-Slam.”
The release on Crack Head records includes backup refrains by the Settler Sextet and the Terrorist Trio. They recorded on separate sides of a divided studio, passing through various checkpoints to use the bathroom.
In related news, to enhance their growing personal relationship, Messrs. Olmert and Abbas have decided to begin dating to see how far personal chemistry can take them.
New On HBO: ‘The Shmyer’
Simon David
Fast on the heels of the final showing of HBO’s critically acclaimed Baltimore-based series “The Wire,” the network has agreed to buy 13 episodes of a new drama, “The Shmyer.”
The program features a purely fictional 72-year-old Jewish woman from Pikesville who meets friends in area malls for lunch and then spends hours perusing the merchandise at stores. Despite the belly-aching laughs ensued by sales people trying to help, she never buys a thing. When asked if she’s ready to purchase, she utters the show’s trademark line: “No thanks hon, I’m just shmying.”
My mother could not be reached for comment.
Donor Buys, Renames Shabbat
A major Jewish donor here has purchased Shabbat from God and renamed it in honor of his granddaughter to celebrate her bat mitzvah.
“God was really hit hard in the sub-prime mortgage crisis, which makes sense when you look at the real estate in the portfolio,” said the anonymous donor. “So my people spoke with God’s people and here we are. I couldn’t be more thrilled. See you in shul this Tiffany.”
Conservative Jews: Enough!
Jew Kidding
Tens of thousands of Conservative Jews have spent recent months bombarding their rabbis with pleas to leave them alone. The response comes from several years of movement leaders saying that the flock must help them invigorate Conservative observance and knowledge.
“Look, we like the deal we have,” said Frank Lee Boared, head of the CCFTSQ — Conservative Congregants For The Status Quo. “We come to shul when we want. We eat strictly kosher when we want. We like our rabbis, we like our lives. Enough!”
Class Canceled
Lack of Interest
Guten Lehrner
Due to lack of interest, the Baltimore Jewish Friendship Chavurah has canceled next week’s “How To be Nice To Fellow Jews.” Nobody signed up for the course.
Clemens: Butt Injection Chicken Soup
Rafi Palmero
Major League Baseball pitching great Roger Clemens, smarting from steroids allegations, has admitted that a personal trainer on numerous occasions injected a substance into his buttocks.
“It was chicken soup — but with the shmaltz skimmed off the top,” he announced last Thursday at an impromptu news conference at the Flatbush Jewish Home For Retired Cooks.
Pointing to the walker-using elderly woman next to him, he added, “Tante Selma here, as she was known in my childhood neighborhood, always had us over. Years ago she told me that chicken soup is not only good for the soul, but for the muscles, too. I always remembered that, so two hours before every game I had her great-nephew inject me. And dammit, it felt good.”
Spitzer Joins Baltimore Va’ad
Larry Craig
Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has announced that he will join the Baltimore Va’ad, the professional organization of Orthodox rabbis.
“Some key members there obviously believe in looking the other way when it comes to personal failings,” Spitzer said at a hastily convened news conference in the Seven Mile Market parking lot. “I know some fellow Vaadniks are upset, but they’ve put up with a lot worse.”
When reminded that he is not a rabbi, nor has he played one on TV, Spitzer responded, “Experience, ex-shmerience. It’s not like I’m running for president.”
Letters To The Editor
Huh?
Editor:
How could you?
I.M. Angry
Glen Burnie
What?
Editor:
Why wouldn’t you?
U.R. Moronic
Sparrows Point
Hmm
Editor:
You gonna eat that?
Izzie Whacko
Pigtown