FEATURED JOBS
Comments (0)It was an evening of so much potential.
Over 500 people showed up on a freezing February Wednesday night.
A keynote expert in the field of child molestation prevention and counseling was featured.
Every seat was taken.
But there were no seats for forward thinking, action, real protection methods. The words “police,” “sex crimes unit,” “states attorney’s office,” “crime” were forced to “stand” along the walls and merely watch.
What those in attendance got was a message that it is up to their children to say “no” to a molestor, that children need to be stronger to protect themselves.
That message came from Rabbi Yaakov Hopfer, the president of the Vaad Ha Rabbonim a “presenter” on this program entitled “How to Keep Our Children Safe.” It was sponsored by the social services organization Ohel of New York.
He started by telling the packed Bnai Jacob Shaarei Zion sanctuary that the community was by and large healthy and wonderful.
“But that doesn’t mean there are not individuals who aren’t struggling and who do things that cause a lot of damage and pain,” he said. “Our function and our job is to protect our children.”
Rabbi Hopfer told the difficult truth that this was not a simple gathering, and that it was “frought with danger. We want to protect but at the same time we don’t want to alarm.”
He would go on to say that if parents teach their children properly, they will be healthy.”
He would then say that “when you are talking about sexual abuse, you are talking about the most private parts of a person’s body, a person’s mind as well. This is my personal domain. It’s as if my essence has been violated. I have been dirtied.”
Rabbi Hopfer acknowledged that one person might be more resilient or tougher than another. He said that that abuse can impact relationships, self image, attitudes on intimacy. It can, he said, “wreck homes and marriages and sometimes becomes the end of a person.”
He also said that many of the children or teens at risk come from abused backgrounds, and often, it’s because they didn’t have the strength to say no to their abuser “and they get themselves in trouble and difficulty.”
This is where Rabbi Hopfer hit a fork in the therapeutic road. Those critical of his speech said that he placed the magnifying glass on a child’s ability to be strong.
Lisa Ferentz, a clinical social worker who trains other clinicians in the assessment and treatment of sexual abuse, attended the meeting and said “it’s not children who need to be toughened up, but, rather, parents and adults in the community who need to be educated and empowered to protect all children. Adults must identify and learn how to de-code the myriad of symptomatic `red flags’ that abused children manifest. They need to trust their instincts and pro-actively pursue their concerns by involving legal, medical and mental health agencies even when the potential perpetrator is a family member, community leader, educator or a member of the clergy. Sexual abuse is a crime that evokes “speechless terror” in its victims. Therefore, adults must use their voices to advocate for a child’s intrinsic right to be safe. It is unreasonable and realistic to ever put that burden on a child.”
Rabbi Hopfer said that “saying no to a person takes strength, a lot of strength. Parents need to give confidence to their child that he must do that.”
One survivor who is currently litigating against former bar mitzvah teacher Yisroel Shapiro, the son of the late alleged molester Rabbi Ephraim Shapiro, found Rabbi Hopfer’s message mixed with a “lot of double speak. There was a lot of denial here. There was not any talk about reporting to the authorities.
“I think Rabbi Hopfer said a lot of things that he needed to say publically,” said the survivor, but I still am wary. It was a great way for him to say in the covering up game. There are plenty of kids who come from good homes and it still happens to them. His answer was not the answer, but part of the answer.”
Murray Levin, a survivor of Rabbi Ephraim Shapiro, was also at the meeting.
He noted that the meeting still left some believing that the rabbis are the ultimate source of assistance and help when a child reports that they were sexually abused.
“Are rabbis specifically and properly trained to treat a child who has been sexually molested,?” asks Mr. Levin. “About one year ago 23 rabbis from the Rabbinical Council of Greater Baltimore signed a letter stating, `we do know that we as rabbis are not qualified to manage the behavior of such a person such that we can confidently say that he poses no such threat to the community. Understanding, treating, and managing this illness is a highly complex field that we are trained in. There are specialized professionals in this area whose experience and expertise we must call upon to guide us. In all situations we must be mindful that our obligation to protect future potential victims of sexual molestation is paramount.”
For many in the room, the most important speaker was Dr. David Pelcovitz, who came to Baltimore on a tight schedule. He was the man with the most experience in this area, yet he was boxed in by time and a train schedule. Some wondered why Rabbi Hopfer and others took so much of that time away by monopolizing the microphone.
“Every time we see a child suffer with the ravages of abuse, with the pain of sexual or physical abuse or neglect, and we choose to look the other way, it’s no different than looking away from any other kind of burden being born by one’s neighbor,” said Dr.
Pelcovitz. “You have to stand by suffering children and open your eyes when it’s not easy.
When you deal with an abused child and you get them the right kind of help, you are returning to them their neshama (soul).”
He said that we have “to name the monster,” in other words not avoid the words “child sexual abuse.” The doctor said that studies have shown that children and adults are often “struck speechless” from this trauma and what comes with it is “horrible loneliness, blame and self-blame.” The healing, he said, starts when children can come forward and share with their parents what happened.” He said that children are often afraid that their parents will blame them for their victimization.
Dr. Pelcovitz added that teaching a child about molestation is not an event, but a process. He said it can be taught in the same way that water safety or fire safety or even crossing the street is taught. The aim is to teach wariness without fear.
On the issue of saying “no,” he said that it is difficult for children to say no to adults. Role play at home is often beneficial because he added “abuse thrives on secrecy.”
Most perpetrators, he said, are shopping around for a compliant victim. If a child gives them a difficult time, they “have plenty of other pickings. They are looking for a non-challenging relationship.”
Dr. Pelcovitz then addressed one of the more common comments connected with this issue, that being a child fabricating a molestation.
“Are false allegations possible?” “Of course they are. It’s truly rare, it’s the exception rather than the rule. No child wants to go through the pain of disclosure unless it’s real. The vast majority of times a child tells you this uncomfortable truth, they’re doing it because it is real. Take it very seriously. You are re-abusing them by not taking them seriously. You must validate a child’s reality, because the abuser distorts that reality.”
He supported what Rabbi Hopfer said that “resilience is the norm. Give them love and understanding and listen. That’s where refuah (healing) comes from.”
It was during the question and answer period that Rabbi Hopfer was asked to explain his earlier expressed feeling that children who don’t have the strength to say no are more likely to get themselves into trouble.
Some 150 questions were fielded on index cards from the audience. Only a handful were answered, because of Dr. Pelcovitz’s time constraints and because as it was explained, many didn’t follow the evening’s theme of How to Protect Our Children.
“As I spoke I should have used my words more carefully,” said Rabbi Hopfer. “I certainly didn’t mean to convey that every child has the strength and if they didn’t have the strength it means something is wrong with him.”
Then Rabbi Hopfer addressed the issue breeding a healthy mistrust in children of adults they suspect of inappropriate behavior.
“We want our children, our adults to have every confidence in their leaders, in their spiritual leaders, in their rabbeim, in their parents. This is not meant in any way to cause distrust. If someone in a position of authority comes to you to do something inappropriate, you should tell them no. But should I inculcate a child with a healthy mistrust for a rav, the answer is no, it can’t be. There has to be a trust with the people you look up to. If someone tries to do something then you say no.”
In his then limited time, Dr. Pelcovitz talked about how it’s usually the most vulnerable of children who fall prey, and that special needs children are also victimized. When parents are the abusers, he said, children then must add other layers of anxiety. When the person who is charged with protecting you, molests you, it, he said, has the potential of being “profoundly damaging.”
He closed by saying, “what an abuser does to a child has nothing to do with intimacy, it has to do with power. It has to do with meeting their needs in an unhealthy way.”
The meeting ended with David Mandel, president of the sponsoring group Ohel, encouraging people to seek professional counseling for their children.
But then he threw a little confusion into the minds again of some of the social workers and survivors present when he said that cases don’t need to be reported to outside authorities. He encouraged conversations between parents and the rabbi of a shul or a community.
“Don’t start looking for shadows that don’t exist,” he warned. “Make sure you know where you are going with this. False allegations spread like wild fire.”
The sanctuary then cleared.
The hallways cleared.
The parking lot emptied.
No follow up dates for follow through meetings were discussed.
The unasked and unanswered questions on index cards were piled up and taken away.
The words “police,” “sex crime unit,” “state’s attorney’s office” and “crime” could now find a place to sit down. There was no one there to listen to them or see them.
Potential, meanwhile, went home early. He didn’t want anyone to see him crying.