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September 12, 2008
President Palin?
Jack Gilden
Special to the Jewish Times
Did you happen to catch the political conventions?
You may not have stayed up late to watch them, but then not everybody enjoys humor that’s slightly obscene.
Is this country, the mightiest the world has ever known, really about to choose between the thin resumes of Barack Obama and Sarah Palin?
Sure, I know what you’re thinking. Obama is running against John McCain, not his Republican running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin.
But let’s face it, Americans think that the geezer McCain will be dead about two weeks after the election. But that’s a terribly ugly thing to say. My personal theory, after watching his acceptance speech, is that he has already been deceased for about three weeks now.
He looked like he had his makeup done at Sol Levinson’s.
Since Obama’s not going to win and McCain is a goner, we all better get used to the idea of “President Palin.”
In the fine tradition of the far right wing of her party, Palin has an unmarried 17-year-old daughter who is pregnant. I don’t mean to imply that the party of Family Values has a lot of unmarried mothers in it, just a lot of hypocrites.
Democrats weren’t as quick to jump on this embarrassment as you might think. They were preaching restraint and the sanctity of a candidate’s private life. At least they were until someone could prove for a deadlock certainty that Bill Clinton was nowhere near the state of Alaska about seven months ago.
Meanwhile, suddenly Palin has become one of the most powerful people in U.S. politics, poised to step onto the world stage. That’s pretty good considering that just a few weeks ago none of us had ever even heard of her.
I’m not proud to admit this, but I wasn’t even certain that Alaskans were eligible to be president. Of course we now all know that they shouldn’t.
What’s really ballyhooed about this election is that it is guaranteed to be historic no matter who wins. If Obama ascends we will have our first African-American president. If McCain wins we will have our first female in the executive branch.
I find these things to be incidentals, really unworthy of serious consideration or discussion. What’s more fascinating to me is that Palin, a former Miss Alaska runner-up, gives us the historic possibility of our first-ever attractive executive.
That’s not really true; Lyndon Johnson was a pretty sexy fellow.
For some, Palin’s slogan could be something like “Tippecanoe and nice gams, too!” For others, she and her husband give us our first possibility of sex in the Oval Office. Umm, never mind.
Of course looks are very superficial things and there are so many serious issues at stake here. The people that run these austere campaigns wouldn’t want us making sport out of their candidates when there are apocalyptic financial and military situations looming out there.
It’s not like they are running their conventions in football stadiums or spouting one-liners that are written by Hollywood mavens just to pander to the electorate.
Still, just in case they aren’t taking the job seriously enough, as your JEWISH TIMES commentator I’m here to help you sort it all out. Today I announce my endorsement.
Don’t vote for Obama –– he’s made of wood and doesn’t have a single idea. Don’t vote for McCain –– as I said before, send his wife a bereavement card.
Instead, do something useful and vote for Joe Flacco.
Jack Gilden, president of the Baltimore-based Gilden Integrated, writes monthly for the BALTIMORE JEWISH TIMES.