Editor's Note
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Abusive Divisions
Phil Jacobs
Executive Editor
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz brought many important messages for parents at last Wednesday’s Chananya Backer Memorial Lecture held at B’nai Jacob-Shaarei Zion.
Rabbi Horowitz is the founder and educational director of both Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey and the Agudath Israel’s Project Y.E.S. (Youth Enrichment Services).
Though the overwhelming majority of those in attendance were Orthodox Jews, many of Rabbi Horowitz’s messages were for any Jew; for that matter, any parent.
He ostensibly urged parents to “get with the program.” He said it’s no badge of honor to jokingly tell your children that you have no idea what text messaging or e-mailing or Facebook is all about. If you don’t have a handle on what’s going on out there in the world, then how can you expect your teen to see you as the person who can relate to their problems? It was like, he said, “bringing a knife to a gunfight.”
In a handout distributed to the 400-plus in attendance, Rabbi Horowitz recommended the Web site casacolumbia.org , which tracks trends in drug prevention education and abuse issues. Again, there was nothing Orthodox, Conservative or Reform about this. But if you go to this Web site, you will be overwhelmed with helpful material.
But within the Orthodox community, Rabbi Horowitz said, abuse and molestation are at dangerous and growing threat levels. All children, he said, need to know that they can come to their parents and tell them everything and anything.
“These aren’t Jewish problems,” he said. “These are human problems. We believe frum people aren’t doing these things. But it is what it is.”
The casacolumbia Web site, he said, reports a study showing that drug use occurs far less with children who sit down regularly and eat dinner with their parents.
But Rabbi Horowitz also warned that within the Orthodox community, parents are expecting their children to go to school from early in the morning until late in the evening. Many parents, he said, are expecting their children to emerge from their schools as the next gedolim, religious geniuses of our time.
The rabbi urged parents to raise what he called “normal children.” It was normal, he said, for religious kids to have hobbies, to play ball, to go on vacations.
But parents, he said, have put fear into their children that God will fry them if they step out of line. As he put it, “We are driving our kids nuts.”
What was troubling about this evening were the rabbis and community educators not in the room. Yes, everybody is busy as we approach the High Holidays. Yet their presence on Wednesday night would have spoken volumes to members of their congregations, more so than any last-minute pearl of wisdom they were adding to their holiday sermons.
Also disheartening was the notion of stigma that Rabbi Horowitz talked about, and that still hangs over all denominations of Judaism. In this case, one of the few pulpit rabbis who did show up asked where a child should go if he cannot fit in to one of the mainstream schools.
If that child goes to an alternative school of any sort, it comes with a price, that being a stigma.
We’re our own worst enemies when it comes to stigma. Why are so many of us running outside of Pikesville or Owings Mills to attend a 12-Step meeting or an Al-Anon support group? Simply stated, we don’t want anyone to know we need help.
Lastly, and this is petty, when it comes to these community meetings, can we restructure them just a little bit? I think there are tons of people who have very good questions that aren’t getting answered. Can we flip the meetings so that we have 45 minutes to an hour of questions, and then maybe a good 15-minute wrap-up from our expert speaker?
There are religious leaders and educators of all denominations who know what is going on “out there.” Nobody’s going to get cooties if a Reform educator comes in and helps her fellow Jews figure out a way to save a child.
Can community meetings be truly inclusive?
Let’s share what we have in common, both the good and the challenging. It would be for the good of all.