Comments (0)More Sukkah Yuks
September 28, 2007Neil Rubin
Editor
Ah yes, it is Sukkot, our “time of joy.” As such, I again punish faithful readers with my annual round of Jewish jokes to be retold in the sukkah, hopefully starting a round of groan-inspiring laughter and smiles.
Mind you, these yuks can be told elsewhere. But alas, they’re not as funny as when enjoying a fall afternoon while shooing bees, watching pine needles plop into your soup and wondering if you will fit through the sukkah’s opening after yet another succulent dessert.
But remember: Politically incorrect jokes aren’t acceptable (unless they’re really funny).
• Did you hear about the El Al pilot who upon landing said, “Welcome to Tel Aviv. Please, no unbuckling of seat belts or use of electronic devices until we’re at a complete stop, and Merry Christmas to our guests. To those of you already standing, talking on cell phones and pushing toward the door, welcome home.”
• Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam for U.S. citizenship and was asked to spell “cultivate,” which he did correctly. When asked to use it in a sentence he said, “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay. Vat a good choice!”
• A man was on his deathbed at home, his son tending to him, his wife cooking in the kitchen. Man to son: “Tell your mother that her brisket will go with me to heaven. A last wish: I just want one piece.” The boy runs to the kitchen, then sprints back. Son to man: “Sorry, Dad. Mom says it’s for after the funeral.”
• All-time favorite Jewish country and western titles: “I Balanced Your Books, But You’re Burning My Kugel”; “Honky Tonk Nights On The Golan Heights”; and my personal favorite, “Bubbelah You Broke My Heart, So I Bent Your Golf Clubs, Sliced Your Tires And Gave Your Number To Psycho Cousin Rachel Who Lusts For You Like Roseanne Eyes Buffets And Then I Used Your Tefillin For My Hammock And Your Tallis For A Hair Shmatte You Miserable Shmoe ‘Cause I Know You Think I’m Last Year’s Chopped Liver But Boychick I’m Prime Rib!”
• A priest, an imam and a rabbi are talking about how they hope people talk about them at their funeral. The priest: “That I was a wonderful servant of God who made a difference.” The imam: “That I showed the path to Allah as one of peace and harmony.” The rabbi: “They should say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”
• Osama bin Laden gets President Bush on the phone and says, “I had a dream that a flag was flying over the White House and it said in Arabic ‘Allah akbar, God is great.’” President Bush responded, “I had a dream, too, about a flag flying over your Pakistani mountain hideaway.” There is silence, so bin Laden says, “What did it say?” Mr. Bush: “Dunno; can’t read Hebrew.”
• In the middle of the guest rabbi’s sermon, a man is snoring heavily in shul. The guest rabbi quietly asks the shammes to wake the man. The shammes shakes his head no and while walking away says, “Wake him yourself, you put him to sleep!”
• Moish called his rabbi and said, “I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I’m a lifelong Bronx Bombers fan. I must watch the game on TV.” The rabbi responds, “Moish, that’s why God invented VCRs.” Moish is surprised and elated. “Wow! You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?”
• And, finally, from the “You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If ... ” file: You light Shabbat candles from your cigarette; your belt buckle is bigger than your kippah and on Purim instead of swinging a grogger you fire a shotgun upon hearing Haman’s name.
Pretty bad, eh? But count your lucky stars and pity my sukkah guests: I have two new jokebooks to try out on them.
P.S.: These jokes and a note have been submitted to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad via his Web site president.ir/en . I urge you to share your holiday joy, too.