Editor's Note
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October 10, 2008
Sukk-hah-hahs
Neil Rubin
Editor
In honor of the upcoming holiday of Sukkot — known in our tradition as “season of our joy” — I again offer some basically appropriate Jewish jokes to tell in the sukkah, which hopefully will start a raucous round of your own funny tales.
Brotherly Love: (Warning: A real groaner)
• A father asks his oldest son to lead Maariv. The boy realizes he did not have his yarmulke, so he asks his little brother, Moishele, to put a hand on his head until the prayers are over. Moishele seems reluctant; the father insists he do as requested. Moishele yells, “What, am I my brother’s kippah?”
A Defintion:
• Bar Mitzvah: The day when a Jewish boy begins to realize that he will not play on a professional sports team, but might own one.
Deathbed Fun:
• Miriam lay dying and gave her husband, Sid, final instructions. “Honey, I know all these years you never even thought about another woman. When I’m gone, go out and remarry as soon as possible and give your new wife all my expensive clothes.” Sid: “I can’t darling. You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.”
Beg Me This:
• A bum walked up to a Jewish woman and said, “Lady, please, I haven’t eaten in three days.” The response: “Sweetie, force yourself.”
Two Soviet Jokes:
• A Jew is on trial in Soviet Russia for insulting Stalin. The judge, who is Jewish, reads the charge. “This doesn’t seem to be bad,” he says. “All Friedman did was say, ‘Stalin was right. I was wrong.’” The prosecutor quickly argues, “No! You have to say it like him. ‘Stalin was right? I was wrong?’” The judge nods. “Ahh,” he says. “One way ticket to Siberia!”
• The phone rings at KGB headquarters. The caller says, “My name is Menachem and my neighbor, Yankel Rabinovitz, is an enemy of the state. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed.” The next day, the KGB goons rip up Rabinovitz’s woodshed, breaking every piece of wood, but find no diamonds. They swear at Rabinovitz and leave. Menachem calls his neighbor. “It’s Menachem! Did they come? Did they chop your firewood?” Rabinovitz laughs and responds, “Yes.” Menachem replies, “OK, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”
Syrian Humor:
• A Syrian pilot calls over the radio, “I am losing one motor and will land anywhere but Israel.” No response. A while later, he calls in and repeats the request. Again, no response. On his third distress call, he says, “I am losing my last motor. Will land even in Israel.” This time he receives an answer: “This is Tel Aviv. We can help. Repeat after me, ‘Yitgadal veyitkadash…’”
Yiddish Expressions:
• “May you be like a chandelier — hang by day and burn by night.”
• “May he lose all his teeth but one and have that last one ache.”
• “If God had a house on earth, all of His windows would be broken.”
Americanized Yiddish Expressions:
• “If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.”
• “It’s always a bad hair day if you’re bald.”
• “No meal is complete without leftovers.”
Blind Humor:
• A blind Jew sits on a park bench. A rabbi chomping on some matzoh sits next to him. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, “Who wrote this rubbish?”
You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If…
• Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain’t;
• You think KKK is a kosher symbol;
• The only plant in your house is your lulav;
• You use the theme to “Rawhide” as a tune for Kiddush;
• When you hear the Rosh Hashanah shofar, you let your hunting dogs loose;
• And you wear a white hood for Havdalah.
Do me a favor, put us all out of misery and send your quips to so that I can try to use them next year. Chag sameach!