Comments (0)Sukkot Follies
October 2, 2009Neil Rubin
Editor
The weather has cooled, the O’s are setting the wrong records and some neighbors have suddenly erected huts that couldn’t pass inspection on Gilligan’s Island.
Sukkot, our season of joy, must be here, which brings out another round of my extremely lousy Jewish jokes, which hopefully starts a round of the like in a sukkah near you. So here goes:
• Three guys are lost in the desert. The French one says, “I’m thirsty; I must have wine!” The Irish one says, “I’m thirsty; I must have whiskey!” The Jewish one says, “I’m thirsty; I must have diabetes!”
• An American tourist in Tel Aviv enters the impressive Mann Auditorium to hear the Israel Philharmonic. Admiring the unique architecture, he asks his escort why Israel is honoring Thomas Mann, the famous author, in this way. “This is for Frederic Mann of Philadelphia,” the escort says. “What did he write?” asks the American. The answer: “Quite the check.”
• During the Vietnam War, a southern woman volunteers to host new soldiers for a meal. “Arrive at 8 p.m., but no Jews,” she tells the army’s liaison. That night, four exquisitely dressed African-American officers knock on the door. “There must be a mistake,” she says dryly. “No, ma’am,” says one. “Captain Cohen never errs.”
• A Jewish man is being wheeled into the operating room for a difficult surgery. The nurse leans over and says, “Mr. Schwartz, are you comfortable?” He answers, “Ein keynahora, I make a good living.”
• Definition of a Jewish optimist: Someone who says, “Today, yes, today will be a good day. This I know because tomorrow, well tomorrow will definitely be worse.”
• A Jewish man is on his deathbed at home. He smells chopped liver — his favorite — from the kitchen. He asks his son to bring him a little. The young man runs back five minutes later. “Sorry, dad,” he says sheepishly. “Mom says it’s for after the funeral.”
• The doctor calls Mrs. Teitlebaum to tell her that her check came back. “We’re even,” she replies, “so did my arthritis.”
• New Ben & Jerry’s Jewish ice cream flavors: “Cherry Bim, Cherry Bum,” “Soda & Gomorra,” “Manishta-Nut” and “O-lime Habah.”
• A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Josh, 5, and Avi, 3. They argued over who gets the first one. Mom, seeing the chance for a moral lesson, says, “If our patriarch Joseph were here, he’d say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.” Josh turned to his younger brother and said, ‘We can do that! Avi, you be Joseph!”
• A rabbi was in a terrible car wreck and rushed to a local Catholic hospital. While recuperating for weeks, a nun with whom he had become friends one day noticed that the crucifix on the wall was gone. “Rabbi, where is my Lord?” she asked. “Oh, sister,” the rabbi said, “I figured one Jew suffering in here was enough.”
• Three Jews are about to be eaten by cannibals. They are given a last wish. The rabbi: “I’d like to deliver my upcoming Rosh Hashanah sermon, but it’s still two hours.” The cantor: “I’d like to sing my new Kol Nidre melody, but it’s still an hour.” The third person: “Eat me first.”
Some all-time great Yiddish expressions:
• If they had to put your brain in a chicken, it would run straight to the butcher.
• God should bless him with three people: One should grab him, the second should stab him and the third should hide him.
• Love is sweet, but it’s good with bread.
• If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
From the “You know you’re a Baltimore-bred Jew if …” file:
• You know someone who grew up strictly kosher — except for eating crabs on the back porch;
• You went to shul during Rosh Hashanah to get the World Series scores;
• You give complex directions by only referencing shops gone for 20 years or more.
Finally, a young boy looks at the yizkor board on Memorial Day Weekend. He asks the rabbi, “Who were they?” The somber answer: “They died in the service, son.” The stunned boy responds, “Which one? Friday night? Saturday morning?”
Send your (appropriate) jokes and quips to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) for future use. Most of all, chag sameach!