Op/Ed
April 18, 2008
Sex And Marriage
Rabbi Deborah Wechsler
Special to the Jewish Times
Driving through New York City last week, I was struck by the signs. In town for a family wedding, we were on our way back to Baltimore via the Lincoln Tunnel. We took Tenth Avenue downtown and passed some of the many construction projects on the West Side.
Each project had a permit sign that included the name of the governor of the state of New York. And every sign that we saw was up to date, a brand new name pasted over the old. Though unintentional, it was a reminder of the tumult of the previous month.
A good reminder, because it seems a shame that after two sordid weeks we have stopped engaging in a worthwhile conversation about troubled marriages and appropriate sexual behavior.
So let us do it — let’s talk about marriage, and fidelity, and struggle and sex. Not subjects that normally enter our public Jewish discourse. But the events of recent weeks have forced them out into the open. Even those of us who might be embarrassed by both the actions of our elected officials and the media’s replaying of every lascivious detail should take the opportunity to talk with our spouses, our children and our communities about the very real concerns that they raise.
As Jews, we call marriage kiddushin — holiness. We hold it up to an ideal set out in the marriage ceremony. But an ideal is just that, and real-life marriage may resemble more closely the broken glass that ended the ceremony than the perfectly round ring that began it.
Our tradition wrestles in many ways with complicated marital and intimate relationships. The Mishnah in tractate Gittin tells the story of a divorced couple who were seen entering a hotel together. The famous schools of thought, Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel, argue over whether this couple needs a second get (Jewish divorce) from each other.
The answer comes in the Gemarah where it defines the area of dispute. Namely, these two great traditions disagree over whether an individual would engage in what they call be’ilat zenut, literally sex that turns one of the partners into a prostitute, or less literally, sex that demeans another.
The discussion in the Talmud provides an interesting backdrop to a modern discussion of marriage, relationships and sexuality. There, the rabbis are concerned with several things: that men and women are clear with each other about the nature of their relationships, that the sanctity of marriage be preserved, that when a marriage dissolves the couple preserves the integrity of the community by acquiring a get, that sexuality be removed from the realm of prostitution and that before making any judgments about another there should be definitive proof.
We in the modern Jewish community should take these concerns to heart.
None of us really knows what goes on inside the marriage of another couple. But we do have an investment in Jewish marriages.
Our synagogues and community centers are filled with people who are struggling with issues in their own marriages, their personal family life, and their own selves as they impact their relationships. What resources do we provide for couples after they marry and find their marriages rocky or even just “pebblyî? Do we take into account how the community is impacted when a family faces its own personal challenges?
The debate in the Gemarah is decided, as is almost always the case, in favor of Beit Hillel. They maintained that ein adam oseh be’ilato be’ilat zenut — that a person would not have sex if it demeaned the other.
It is a particularly idealistic view of human sexuality and human behavior. Perhaps that is instructive in framing our discussions about marriage and family. We temper the reality of Beit Shammai with the idealism of Beit Hillel and work on building our families in homes of peace.