Op/Ed
March 14, 2008
What A Megillah
Stuart Schoffman
Special to the Jewish Times
If Passover were upon us, I would devote today’s deliberation to Four Timely Questions:
• Did the assassination of Hezbollah terrorist chieftain Imad Mughniyah — regardless of who did it — make life safer for Jews in Israel and worldwide?
• Is a viable two-state solution remotely possible without reaching a compromise with the Palestinians on Jerusalem?
• Would opening an embassy in Kosovo help Israel normalize relations with the Muslim world?
• What can U.S. Jews do to encourage Gaza to follow Kosovo’s example and secede peacefully from the Land of Israel?
But late winter lingers and Passover is on deck. First comes Purim, this year falling on the 14th (or 15th, if you live as I do in a walled city) of Adar Bet.
Passover has its fabulous Four Cups of wine, but on Purim Jews actually are commanded to be so drunk that he (and today we include she) can’t tell the difference between “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordechai” (Tractate Megillah 7b).
On Purim Jews can also get drunk on power, if they take too seriously that smiting of enemies in the Book of Esther’s ninth chapter.
Now, in 2008, a fresh opportunity arises to mold the Jewish future without counting on supernatural assistance (but willing as always to accept it). For this, we need the (probably fictional) Four Sons and Daughters. All characters are based on real people.
The Wise Daughter: A lawyer who yearns to lead her country, she soberly believes in good governance and negotiation. Owing to issues raised in the above Four Questions, and sundry police investigations and commission reports, many voters want change. Can she galvanize the street and turn her managerial temperament into a virtue? Will Israel be safer on her watch?
The Wicked Son: He claims to be the embodiment of change, though his kind has long haunted the Knesset. He wants to bomb Tehran tomorrow, Damascus on Tuesday, and transfer the Palestinians from the West Bank to Wherever on Wednesday. He has memorized Chapter Nine and feeds it to his kids with their cornflakes. He scoffs at the peace process, “Why waste your time? The only thing they understand is violence!”
The Simple Son/Daughter: She/he agrees with everyone; she/he sits atop a high wall on a pillow, twirling a sunflower and munching its seeds, carefully discarding the shells evenly on both sides. She/he has many questions: What’s going on? What will happen? Wasn’t Israel supposed to be a safe haven for the Jews? Don’t all people want peace, deep down? Why don’t we bomb Gaza back to the Stone Age? Why is it so complicated?
The One Who No Longer Knows How to Ask: This person does not seek historical justice or absolute truth, just a reason to get up in the morning. He drives a taxi or an SUV; she teaches kindergarten or practices dentistry. He speaks Hebrew to his kids, sometimes Russian or English. She speaks Arabic to hers, sometimes Hebrew. Both were too demoralized to vote in the last election; not this time.
Then ... The Simple Son/Daughter is knocked off the wall by a missile. The Israeli government falls; the Wise Daughter runs for prime minister against the Wicked Son, who wins handily. But the One Who Does Not Know How to Ask does know gematriah, or Jewish numerology. On Erev Purim, one day before the Wicked Son intends to invade Istanbul, he or she breathlessly reveals to the prime minister that the Wicked Son’s name plus Istanbul add up to 376, which equals shalom and also Israel’s arch- enemy — Esau, as well as “Sinai desert.” And if you add “Las Vegas” (=159), you get 535, or members of the U.S. Congress — which (after adding 10 for the Commandments) equals the Aramaic phrase malka d’shlama dilei, the Solomonic King to Whom Peace Belongs.
The rest is obvious. The prime minister’s receptionist calls her cousin the kabbalist, who checks and says it’s a miracle. She rushes to the Wicked Son, who sees the error of his ways and gets Turkish investors to persuade the Egyptians and Americans to build magnificent casinos in Gaza. Religious objections are circumvented as only infidels can gamble there. Gaza flourishes, and the Wise Daughter, in gratitude to the Benevolent Son Wicked No More, devises legislative means to convert Israel permanently into a monarchy.
And there is Peace in the Land for 40 years, or at least ’til next Purim.