Lainie Gutterman | Kveller via JTA
When my son Ian was born in 2009, his bar mitzvah felt like lightyears away. And yet, when I sent a birth announcement to the Crystal Plaza where I got married a year prior, I had already started to envision proudly standing beside him as he read the Torah in that same room.
As a first-time mom, I was blissfully unaware of how atypical my child’s life would be. Ian was a late developer; he didn’t walk until he was 18 months old, around the same age he lost his language and regressed developmentally. Close to his second birthday, he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Through years of endless therapies, interventions and a specialized school, Ian has grown from a shy, timid kindergarten student with minimal language, who would elope out of the building because he wasn’t able to express himself, to a friendly, hardworking and, quite frankly, chatty young man.
We were concerned that a lengthy service would be difficult for Ian to sit through as he is a visual learner and has a short attention span. Also, while it is easy for him to memorize, he would not be able to comprehend the meaning of the prayers.
But through the help and dedication of Rabbi Schlomo Gutnick from the Friendship Circle, an organization dedicated to bringing happiness and companionship to Jewish children, teens and young adults with special needs, Ian had weekly one-on-one lessons for two years and was able to rise to the occasion and accomplish this monumental Jewish coming of age.
Here’s some tips for planning a bar or bat mitzvah for a child with special needs:
Make It All About Your Child
Many children on the spectrum are obsessed with a particular topic. Since our son is highly knowledgeable about buses, we turned his passion into a fun theme: #Iansbusmitzvah. The digital invitations were on the front of a bus. His logo was his first name as the MTA logo. We named the tables after bus numbers and a favorite destination he travels to. We arranged for a bus to take everyone from the Chabad to a local restaurant that was easily within walking distance.
Acknowledge and Appreciate That Your Child Is Different
We celebrate Ian for exactly the amazing young man that he is. Just as we would never force him to be anyone but himself, we didn’t try to force the bar mitzvah to fit the mold of all the others we’ve attended. We wanted to be true to Ian’s interests, personality and talents. Rather than Ian reading the Torah passage that is traditionally read, Ian read the Hebrew alphabet. This modification allowed Ian to proudly demonstrate the hard work he did with Rabbi Schlomie.
Zebras, Clowns and Live Entertainment Are Completely Unnecessary
Many families experience the unspoken pressure to do more and keep up with their contemporaries. My advice to you: Release yourself from that burden and just focus on what’s most important. While Ian enjoys music and dancing, he can become overstimulated and uncomfortable in large crowds and noisy environments. Keeping this in mind, we selected a restaurant that could accommodate 50 guests and serve a delicious three-course dinner.
Embrace Your Child for Reaching This Milestone
If it were up to Ian, he would have preferred to stay home and watch YouTube bus videos. We are extremely proud of Ian for pushing himself to leave his comfort zone and standing before a large crowd of people reading Hebrew. While a three-course meal in a nice restaurant may sound like a treat to us, for Ian, it can be a difficult experience. and yet, he persevered throughout it all. Ian was not the least bit nervous and fully basked in the attention.
Less is more
This one can apply to every aspect of the planning process. From the guest list to all the bells and whistles, I recommend keeping it simple. In order to make this event the most comfortable for Ian, we cut the guest list substantially. While you may feel uncomfortable doing this and risk hard feelings, be confident that you are doing what is best for your child. After all, that’s what this event is all about.
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