Since 2010, Eshel has helped strengthen inclusion for LGBTQ+ Jews within the Orthodox community.
For 13 of those years, Eshel has hosted a retreat for Orthodox parents of LGBTQ+ Jews, giving them a place to convene and share their unique perspectives while they grow together.
And while it is a national organization, Eshel Executive Director Miryam Kabakov said that Baltimore is a particularly great host for this annual event, as well as its retreat for the LGBTQ+ Orthodox Jews themselves. The event comes to the Pearlstone Retreat Center this spring, from April 30 to May 3.
“We’re really sort of finding our home in Pearlstone right now, and that’s really great,” Kabakov said. “We’ve really grown, and Pearlstone can accommodate the numbers of the people that we have … it’s where we’ve landed because of their accommodations and accessibility.”
The retreat is a time for parents of LGBTQ+ Jews to discuss their lives around a group that understands what they have experienced. Kabakov said in a previous interview with Baltimore Jewish Times that Orthodox Jews, while not a monolith, are generally “not accepting” of LGBTQ+ lifestyles. For parents of these Jews, a space to be comfortable is essential.
“The retreat is a place for the parents to really share openly about their struggles, their challenges and meet each other. We have a lot of parents who come back year after year, who are there to mentor other parents. There’s a lot of peer sharing and peer learning,” Kabakov said.
The relationship that the parents cultivate with each other is important to helping attendees along their journey. Kabakov said that there isn’t a well-established guide for how to handle this situation, meaning that those who have already experienced it are a necessary voice.
“That’s really kind of one of our keys to success. Nobody gives you a handbook when you have a baby on how to be a parent. There’s a lot of books written about it, but there’s really no manual for how to parent an LGBTQ+ child in the Orthodox community,” Kabakov said. “So we are sort of writing that book, that tradition — the oral Torah of that. Our retreat between the parents really helps each other a lot, and throughout the year, they develop a community.”
In terms of how Eshel facilitates these interactions, a veteran parent always reaches out to new parents who sign up, per Kabakov. There are small discussion groups with familiar and new parents mixed in, some of which are organized based on how an individual child identifies within the LGBTQ+ community.
“Sometimes we have parents speaking on panels, talking about their kids and their experiences and navigating [for example] a synagogue, or a school. What works? What hasn’t worked so well?” Kabakov said.
While the attendance each year varies, with many returnees but also many new faces, the responses that Kabakov and Eshel hear are often similar. Folks want to understand what their children have experienced, and they want to be able to say exactly what’s on their mind.
“They want to be honest with other people, and they can’t always do that within their Orthodox communities,” Kabakov said. “It’s a place where they can speak freely and not be judged … there’s nothing like being together with other people who are going through what you’re going through.”
There are only a small number of spots left available for the retreat, with many excited for a particularly interesting and new offering: a rabbinic couple with a gay son coming to talk about their experience.
Ultimately, the job of Eshel is to connect people, to both each other and their Judaism.
“We’ve never pushed anybody to do or think any which way,” Kabakov said. “A lot of parents come and cry for half the time. That’s completely fine. We don’t have any agenda about where someone should be with their kids emotionally. I think when people realize that we’re not trying to change their ideas or attitudes, it’s just … where are we going now? It’s a fact of life, and that’s where we start from.”
