Coming out as part of the LGBTQ community can be an isolating experience, and this can be especially true for people involved with more conservative religious groups. But there is still support to be found in those communities.
A recent retreat held at Pearlstone on March 28-31, organized by the Orthodox LGBTQ group Eshel, aimed to buck the stereotype of Orthodox parents not being supportive of their LGBTQ children by offering resources for these parents, helping them connect with their children and working to make the Orthodox community a more inclusive place.
At Eshel’s 2024 Parent Retreat, a sold-out crowd of over 100 Orthodox parents attended classes and spoke with LGBTQ educators and rabbis about how they can be better allies and support their LGBTQ children and other community members. Speakers included Rabbi Hyim Shafner of Kesher Israel: The Georgetown Synagogue; Maharat Rori Picker Neiss, senior vice president for community relations at the Jewish Council for Public Affairs; and social worker Motti Salzberg. Eshel has been hosting this retreat since 2013.
“We were trying to figure out how to create belonging within Orthodox communities for LGBTQ people who grew up in those communities,” explained Miryam Kabakov, Eshel’s executive director and co-founder. “By and large, those people leave and don’t want to come back. It really tears families apart, and the parents lose faith in their leaders and what they believe in.”
Eshel’s very first project was creating a retreat for LGBTQ individuals in the Orthodox community, which saw some success. But when a parent of an attendee asked if they could attend, they were turned down due to the retreat’s singular focus. Seeing an opportunity, Eshel’s leadership started work on a retreat for parents hoping to learn more about the LGBTQ community and how to be better allies.
The first Parents Retreat was attended by 35 parents, a number that has grown exponentially over the years as more people discover and seek out Eshel’s support services.
“Each time, I learn something new and reconnect with old friends,” said Leah, the parent co-chair of the Baltimore/DC Eshel chapter. Leah’s last name has been withheld for privacy. “And I can be there for people who are new and might be overwhelmed. I remember I felt that way the first time, too. People held my hand and were so gracious and kind and open to listening to me. In the years since, I have wanted to return the favor.”
This year was Leah’s fifth time attending Eshel’s Parent Retreat. She first got involved with the organization when her son came out as transgender. She noted that she initially did not take this revelation well, as it came as a shock to her, but she and her husband wanted to accommodate their son the best they could.
Through a friend who served as the chair of Eshel’s Baltimore chapter at the time, Leah started attending Eshel meetings in hopes of connecting with other Orthodox parents of LGBTQ children.
“The transformation has been amazing,” she said of her son. “He’s very calm in his demeanor, and feels comfortable in his skin now. He’s like a whole different person, and I’m proud of all the work he’s done to become his authentic self.”
Another parent, Kemp Mill Synagogue member Peninah Gershman, found out about Eshel through her son’s art and drama teacher after he came out as gay.
“I said that I didn’t think I needed any support, that I was doing fine,” Gershman said. “But it got to the point where I was feeling really lonely. I found myself constantly searching for other parents of LGBTQ children and just not finding any in my community. So I decided to call Eshel, and they really drew me in.”
In “All You Need is Love?” a survey conducted by Eshel interviewing over 100 parents of LGBTQ children, the organization found that Orthodox parents typically love and want to support their LGBTQ children, but worry about their place in the broader Orthodox community. Of surveyed parents, 52% reported that their LGBTQ children had left the Orthodox community, citing harassment, discrimination at shul and even outright rejection from certain educational opportunities. One surveyed parent reported that their daughter had to remain closeted at her high school because its director stated that she would not accept lesbian students.
“There’s still a lot of work to be done,” Kabakov said. “Parents love their children and that they’re coming out, but what they really want is for their children to remain Jewish and close. They’re asking their leaders to continue to make space for their children. Orthodoxy has managed to embrace so much diversity, but it hasn’t really done that successfully and completely for LGBTQ people.”
Eshel reported that these parents want to have their experiences acknowledged by the wider community, citing their hopes that synagogues, schools and Orthodox programs can become more inclusive in the future. While this institutional change may be slow, learning how to be better allies on a grassroots level is a good start.
“I’m very proud of everyone in the LGBT community who are taking the steps to be their true selves, and to embrace our religion,” Leah said. “When a person comes out, they shouldn’t feel like they have to give up on religion. They should know there is a place for them in the Orthodox Jewish world.”
When asked if she had any advice for other parents in her position, Gershman said that the best thing they can do is to love their LGBTQ child as they are.
“At the end of the day, all that really matters is that you show your child that you’re there for them,” she said. “And I would also say to try and connect with other people in your situation. It only makes things easier for yourself and your child.”
