Satire: Jews For Jesus: ‘We’re Actually Christian Now’

(David Shankbone/Wikimedia Commons)

After years of being questioned about their faith, Jews for Jesus have finally come to a conclusion.

“Yes, it’s true. After much deliberation, I can confirm we’re coming out as Christians,” said a representative for the religious group founded in 1973. “It was really difficult to sort this all out, but we’re glad to let the world know who we really are.”

Jews For Jesus, or Messianic Jews, believe that Jesus Christ was the messiah and blend his teachings with those of Judaism.

John McHenry, a 17-year-old Jew for Jesus, says that he’s “pumped” to embrace his new faith.

“I’m looking forward to not having to sit through three-hour services on Shabbat,” McHenry said. “I’ll take the hour-long services over that any day.”

Baltimore-based “Rabbi” Jeremy Stein, a former Messianic Jew, plans to make the transition from one type of religious leader to another. He’s going to a Christian Seminary this fall to become a priest.

“When Jews for Jesus made this decision, I had to look at a whole bunch of things in my life,” Stein said. “I love being Jewish, but I think I love Jesus more.”

Local Jew for Jesus mom Holly Holtz plans to be just as neurotic as she was before.

“Yep, that’s not changing at all,” the mother of five said before telling her 10-year-old son, Danny, to finish the sandwich she made for him.

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